stressful (january 11)

Imagine being the only one giving a fuck in a world where people are happier being stupid - of course you'd go insane, right? There might be no matrix itself to escape, but the system itself is flawed, and, sadly, inescapable, or else everyone would be gone by now. I don't know where, but gone.

I am so sick of doing efforts for absolute pennies, I wish I could be as clueless as everyone else but my mind is a non-stop train of thoughts and keeping myself from doing dumb shit. Some days, it slips. And then, I get lectured like a child about how I should be thinking before I do something, as if my brain wasn't literally fuming from thinking too much. As if I ain't over-analyzing everything at all times.

I am not made for this cookie cutter piece of shit world. I'm not. I'm probably made to be at a mental hospital, but I know this current society ain't for me - even if everyone says it. Everywhere I go, I'm too much. Too fat, too vulgar, too loud, too much makeup, too ugly, but also, at the same time, never enough. Not dressed properly enough, not smart enough, not cultivated enough. Not enough skills, not old enough when I'm not young enough, so I don't know where I am on the spectrum - and not the autistic one, this time.

I know that how I am will force me not to amount to anything in life, because my characteristics are what people hate in general in someone - thank god I gather them all in one soul!

You'd think picking at my skin this much would show the monster that's underneath; it doesn't. Skin so thick from handling bullshit that is unknown to me, I've become relieved if the black sheep is all I am. I wish i was small and obedient enough so I'd be able to be a robot, a functioning machine, but I am not. I need chaos so my mind feels at peace. There is no norm in which I fit, either physically, mentally, or even just morally. I am sick of being a slave of 'what's good and what's bad' mentalities, I wish I could escape but every time I tried, the same system would try to bring me to life just so I could pay more taxes and full their overflowing pockets. 

I thought with time I'd love and embrace who I am, but nah. I just hate myself even more to know what not only do I not fit in, but I most likely never will. My life so far has been nothing but constant pain that my fibromyalgia makes me feel more intensely than I should, and I just wish I could find a bit in happiness in everything. But no. I am in crippling debt, my credit is fucked, I can't work more than I currently am due to health issues and people just keep taking advantage. I am scared of loosing my home after a year of being the owner and six months of living in it. 

Hopefully it doesn't turn out too bad for me, even tho I feel like it'd be karma's wheel turning.