What a year of celibacy taught me
A year (and two days) ago, it was easter saturday. 2017.
The same morning, a fight popped between me and Félix, and he decided that it was best that we end our relationship, that he doesn't feel it anymore and that it's been a month he's been thinking about it cause he didn't know how to say it without hurting me.
Immediately, I fall into crisis mode - nerve attack, panic attack, whatever could attack at that time while I also froze. I was babbling, well no it can't be possible, he's kidding right wtf I don't understand what's happening, anyway, it was a shit show, I was listening my music so loud while crying... you know, when you cry so much it's an ugly cry? Crying like a fucking baby. I wasn't hungry anymore, I wasn't wanting to do anything because people were breaking my heart. AGAIN. Why me? But yet, I have liked you from all my heart? Right? Uh Felix, I was liking you as I should?
The next day, we were going in Laval celebrating easter with my grandma. He was giving me my stuff back. I remember, we were siting in the van's trunk. We were crying, but kissing each other. It's like we both knew that even tho it was bringing us a lot of hurt, that it was the right thing to do.
Finally, I will always thank you for puting on your pants, sweetie. Your feeling at this moment was better than mine, I have to admit it, even tho this relation was going deeper and deeper.
I was demolished. Because Joey did the same thing in 2013 and that in 2017, after almost four years of relationship, he was doing the same thing. But Felix is supposed to be nice? that I was telling myself. So I was searching ways of repairing the relationship, from a sexy night at a hotel from proposing him relationship counseling. There was nothing that was working.
Though, I was checking his Facebook account and didn't found anything for the first times. Then, a girl appeared in his dm, but it seemed like she slid and not him. I was panicking. I was telling myself that she knew I wasn't with him anymore so she wanted to take my place! If not, one of his friend congratulated him for leaving me.... did this really deserved clapping? Was he that miserable with me, even tho I was trying to give him gift and make him laugh to forget how my mental health was ruining our couple?
Later, I realized that we just weren't going in the same direction.
After many reflections, I decided to continue my psychological appointments even tho I wasn't feeling like it. I was determined to get my shit together, even if Felix was coming back or not... because yeah, I was thinking about the possibility of this happening, it seemed still reachable, I mean, we spent such a nice Christmas (2016) together!
We were talking a lot, but each time that I was waking up from a nightmare and seeing that you didn't sent me goodnight, I was loosing my shit. I was to the point where I wanted to date anyone (really, anyone), just to forget that you didn't like me anymore.
In may, we saw each other again. The greatest day I've spent with you since forever. We were holding each others hand, we were smiling, joking around, as if the relationship was still going on. You were helping me, like you always did, you paid for my happy meal, we went to Walmart, Dollarama... nothing changed, and for nothing in the world I would have changed that day. I took so much time to make myself look pretty, it has been ages since I was actually forcing to please you.
But I was still continuing to take care of myself cause I was telling myself that it wasn't by being curled up in a ball complaining like I did with Joey that it'd be alright.
Between wanting to move out and psychological follow-ups, I was getting better and better even tho your presence still was missing me.
I sort of went a lil bit (a lot) on Tinder and, in june, there was one with who it clicked. Plus, on my Facebook, I was looking for one (or some) movers and a guy just added me. Finally, he wasn't doing moves, but he never left my mind, neither did he left my DM ever since.
But speaking of the guy that it clicked, I was going at his place, it was like a dream. He was taking care of me like anybody did since forever, with his bad habits and his macho vibes were surprisingly making me dream. I really liked him. I would have give him the moon, maybe two if he had asked. And as with Felix, I was trying to buy his love with gifts. But hey, then comes july.
I don't really know why actually, but I was still going on Tinder since the guy I was hanging oput with also did. Even tho he was telling me I was so pretty, and I figured out he might like me.
On Snapchat and Tinder, two shitty websites that I don't even go on anymore, some Facebook famous who were asking me nudes, and some guy I was in his class' brother. He always had serious relationships, so I was telling myself that it was impossible that he was a player of some sort.
As a joke, one night, I asked him to bring me McDonald's cause I was hungry (I had JUST moved it and didn't have much food). Cause I told myself that no guy would be dumb enough to drive St-Calixte - Shawinigan (two hour ride) in the middle of night, and that I was half awake in between each of his text messages - three quarters of what I wrote, I didn't even remembered before going through the texts.
OH AND, I had moved. At two AM, he called me (while I was sleeping) to tell me he was there. I was panicking! Holy shit i didn't think he'd actually come YO I like S.... anyway....
We remind each other of high school memories (he was a senior while i was a freshman... he was 23 I think) and then, he kisses me. What the fuck is going on.
(and bitch where's the McDonald's?)
Anyway, I wasn't confortable but I was letting him do his shit cause I was telling myself that after that, it'd be over, but I don't understand cause he's holding me tight and hurting me, but I try not to make a huge deal out of it cause if I'm trying to get him off me, wouldn't it be worse? I don't know, I'm twenty years old and stupid and afraid cause I'm currently fucking the popular football jock from highschool.
It doesn't make any fucking sense, why am I doing this? Anyway, the next morning, he almost runs away in his toyota echo, and I tell myself shit, and he used me. All of this for that.
Do I tell S, or not?
Since apprently tact isn't part of my being, I try to explain to S since I didn't wanted to hide him, I wanted a truth based relationship.
And then, error.
It bursts. I'm just a whore, I should die, he liked me and I fucked it all up. That even if I were to kill myself, that nobody would care or cry over it.
He pushes me over the edge, I swallow some pills that were left cause the month before, I had started get rid of this medication, cymbalta, and the cold turkey was sort of hard for me. I get up and everything seems fine, but he doesn't get off my back even tho he's working. I can't deal with the pression anymore, I regret it, I cut myself, I hate myself, I really wanna die.
So I take the only thing that was in my fridge, a huge water bottle, and I swallow at least sixty pills of remaining cymbalta. If I die, he'll get off my back, right? Apparently not.
The next day, I lost almost full usage of my legs, I can't stand on them. I crawl from my bed to the bathroom to puke and shit my stomach out (didn't find a poetic way to write it) while loosing my balance, everything hurts. I can't pee anymore, my head is spinning. At first, I ask myself why and then I remember what happened the night before between agressive text messages. By the sake of minutes, my condition was deteriorating. My best friend of the time really wanted me to go to the hospital, and I truly believe to this day that if I didn't asked my parents to call the ambulance for my sickness (I'm a terrible liar), I would have probably died alone in my apartment on the side of terrible text messages on how much I was a skank. Nice, isn't it? I ain't saying that I was to blame, tbh.
Steven, I know I probably hurted you, and that I probably diserved everything you told me. But at the time, I was exhausted and unable to take it anymore.
After the ambulance tried to make me take down the stairs, they attach (yeah, i said attach) me to a hospital bed. After taking care of my physical health, they put me on the psychiatry floor. And then, I felt like I was truly turning crazy. I was getting used to listen to the news while waiting for the food and coloring. I was writing Steven love letters and excuse letters.... He had texted me shit on what I thought was my death bed until I went to the psychiatric floor and he texted me to take care of myself, so I thought everything was fine.
But I realised that it wasn't when I left the psychiatric aisle. And even when I was trying not to answer his messages, he was always coming back on track. He wanted to show me that I've hurt him a lot, and someday, he invited me. He told me it only was for having rough sex, but being innocent, I just wanted attention from him.
So I jumped into the first bus that bring me to Montreal, wanting to see him so bad. He still thinks I'm a dumbass for trying to kill myself but, while one of his hands was holding mine and the other one, his joint, walking in the streets of Tetraultville, I recognized the nice and affective guy he was. He wasn't as rough as his text messages mentionned and seeing him, at the time, made me feel better than I've felt in ages.
He cooked for me, between two joints and a smoke, it seemed like nothing happened.
I then went at my bestfriend's house (that ain't my bestfriend anymore but she was back then) where I spent an amazing day with Chanel and an amazing night with a friend, cause yes apparently for me eating poutine at 4am, it makes me happy. It's like we've known each other since forever. I also went at my aunt's, I felt like the support that people were giving me, and I am including A to the equation, was really warming my heart.
Returning back to the appartment, I paint the walls, I try to be useful while making myself feel great, I had faith that Steven would come back until he texts me to asks me how I'm doing. I have butterflies in my stomach that were rapidly killed when he told me he had a girlfriend. I broke down, and for several days.
And speaking of the football jock, he only spoke to me once after that, and he was drunk. Anyway, I didn't wanted anytthing from him, but it was nice to know he ditched football for fucking every fat chick on Tinder and Badoo.
Since I didn't had internet at home, I was going at McDonald's using their free wifi talking to A, even if I wasn't understanding why somebody who was living so far and this old (don't hit me lmao) wanted to talk to me, the whore. The trashy skank.
I was feeling used, dirty, stupid, I didn't wanted to live just like I did back in July but I didn't wanted to then again fail my attempt and that they sent me back in psychiatry, the two or three days I've spent there were enough.
Plus, I felt like I had failed trying to prove to my parents that I was aible to take care of myself on my own in my appartment.
It's
hard
being
an adult
goddamn
piece
of shit
!!!
If not, a guy from Xbox live that my ex-ex- (Joey) hated tried to match me with his best friend via Snapchat.
I don't remember how but he came to play COD Black Ops at my place.
Then, we went eating ice cream together.
I was caring so much about him, it was crazy, and I was truly seeing a love potential.
But it's when this story crashed that I realized that, no.
That even tho it made me super sad, I had something to learn from this.
That I had to stop playing tease, that my game would get back to me and that one day, somebody would leak my pictures, I don't know. I felt like my Xbox live friend betrayed me, that when he saw this was working out he wanted to tear it down. But today, I realized that this was meant to happen. Then, another Xbox live story.... I sleep with one of my Xbox live friends.
Everything would have been fine... if he wasn't in a relationship (it's hard being me).
I was starting to believe I was in a bad tv american soap that ends in a corny way.
I wasn't seeing the end of all this shit cause it didn't felt like it was going to end. Was I going to be a whore all my life just cause Felix didn't wanted me anymore?
The more I was going elsewhere to find love, the more I was realizing who I really loved.
*it looks like a crappy disney movie i'm sorry*
Hewas always there for me, making sure I was safe. Talking to him was making me so happy, I was starting to imagine myself being with him.
I was repressed all that cause I didn't wanted to ruin it. He wasn't looking for love (and still ain't) but it's overm y control that the more he talked to me, the more I was getting attached. And for that, I hated myself.
I was starting to get rough with Tinder matches that I had in my Facebook and on Snapchat, I was blocking people, refusing nudes, it seemed like instantly, I wanted to be perfect for him.
But as I said, and I still feel like it, I'm not enough. I'm not enough compared to other girl and I thought that the problem with men, him in particular that I didn't gave a fuck about, was that I was myself.
And I thought that was long as I wouldn't mold in, it wouldn't work, they wouldn't like me.
With reflection, I realized that my humour and selfies on the toilet might have, one day, sort of charmed.
I try to get him off my head, I don't wanna like him SHIT I don't even know him, almost!
But he doesn't leave my thoughts, and still haven't, I don't know what to do at this point.
My hunt for men still was going on, but I still wasn't as motivated. I even went at a Tinder match's place but I felt like I used him and his nice, kind heart. I don't know what I was trying to do. But I don't hate him, I wish we'd be friends but I feel like he doesn't really wanna talk to me anymore. Anyway.
Cause I didn't wanted the ones I was swiping, at all.
*A* Was listening me cry and laugh, was supportive and believes in me,
It felt unreal,
and it still does to this day.
Either our friendship evolves or not,
I'm incredibly lucky.
My desire for him doesn't stop to grow,
and I feel like I can't control it.
I like to think that if it's meant to be, it will.
That he just didn't came into my life at the right time, and vice versa.
But hey, with all that happened,
(and everything that will, probably, happen)
I know I have to trust life,
and let time do its work.
I came a long way, thank you Felix.
Not only by leaving me but also your support,
I might have not made it this far.
There's still a way to go,
Because I probably would still be watching the news.
At my parent's place.
Doing nothing.
And I know that everything that will follow in 2018 will be the right thing for me,
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
and you made me very strong.
In the end, caca, choune, or whatever I like to call you, we will always love each other, just another way, I guess.
Because we get along, because we are happy on our own, because in my heart, these last years with your will always be remembered.
SHANIA BONUS: I hope our relationship (me and A) evolves but eh, I feel like I just can't rush things.
On this topic, here's some 2018 pictures of me.
The same morning, a fight popped between me and Félix, and he decided that it was best that we end our relationship, that he doesn't feel it anymore and that it's been a month he's been thinking about it cause he didn't know how to say it without hurting me.
Immediately, I fall into crisis mode - nerve attack, panic attack, whatever could attack at that time while I also froze. I was babbling, well no it can't be possible, he's kidding right wtf I don't understand what's happening, anyway, it was a shit show, I was listening my music so loud while crying... you know, when you cry so much it's an ugly cry? Crying like a fucking baby. I wasn't hungry anymore, I wasn't wanting to do anything because people were breaking my heart. AGAIN. Why me? But yet, I have liked you from all my heart? Right? Uh Felix, I was liking you as I should?
The next day, we were going in Laval celebrating easter with my grandma. He was giving me my stuff back. I remember, we were siting in the van's trunk. We were crying, but kissing each other. It's like we both knew that even tho it was bringing us a lot of hurt, that it was the right thing to do.
Finally, I will always thank you for puting on your pants, sweetie. Your feeling at this moment was better than mine, I have to admit it, even tho this relation was going deeper and deeper.
I was demolished. Because Joey did the same thing in 2013 and that in 2017, after almost four years of relationship, he was doing the same thing. But Felix is supposed to be nice? that I was telling myself. So I was searching ways of repairing the relationship, from a sexy night at a hotel from proposing him relationship counseling. There was nothing that was working.
Though, I was checking his Facebook account and didn't found anything for the first times. Then, a girl appeared in his dm, but it seemed like she slid and not him. I was panicking. I was telling myself that she knew I wasn't with him anymore so she wanted to take my place! If not, one of his friend congratulated him for leaving me.... did this really deserved clapping? Was he that miserable with me, even tho I was trying to give him gift and make him laugh to forget how my mental health was ruining our couple?
Later, I realized that we just weren't going in the same direction.
After many reflections, I decided to continue my psychological appointments even tho I wasn't feeling like it. I was determined to get my shit together, even if Felix was coming back or not... because yeah, I was thinking about the possibility of this happening, it seemed still reachable, I mean, we spent such a nice Christmas (2016) together!
We were talking a lot, but each time that I was waking up from a nightmare and seeing that you didn't sent me goodnight, I was loosing my shit. I was to the point where I wanted to date anyone (really, anyone), just to forget that you didn't like me anymore.
In may, we saw each other again. The greatest day I've spent with you since forever. We were holding each others hand, we were smiling, joking around, as if the relationship was still going on. You were helping me, like you always did, you paid for my happy meal, we went to Walmart, Dollarama... nothing changed, and for nothing in the world I would have changed that day. I took so much time to make myself look pretty, it has been ages since I was actually forcing to please you.
But I was still continuing to take care of myself cause I was telling myself that it wasn't by being curled up in a ball complaining like I did with Joey that it'd be alright.
Between wanting to move out and psychological follow-ups, I was getting better and better even tho your presence still was missing me.
I sort of went a lil bit (a lot) on Tinder and, in june, there was one with who it clicked. Plus, on my Facebook, I was looking for one (or some) movers and a guy just added me. Finally, he wasn't doing moves, but he never left my mind, neither did he left my DM ever since.
But speaking of the guy that it clicked, I was going at his place, it was like a dream. He was taking care of me like anybody did since forever, with his bad habits and his macho vibes were surprisingly making me dream. I really liked him. I would have give him the moon, maybe two if he had asked. And as with Felix, I was trying to buy his love with gifts. But hey, then comes july.
I don't really know why actually, but I was still going on Tinder since the guy I was hanging oput with also did. Even tho he was telling me I was so pretty, and I figured out he might like me.
On Snapchat and Tinder, two shitty websites that I don't even go on anymore, some Facebook famous who were asking me nudes, and some guy I was in his class' brother. He always had serious relationships, so I was telling myself that it was impossible that he was a player of some sort.
As a joke, one night, I asked him to bring me McDonald's cause I was hungry (I had JUST moved it and didn't have much food). Cause I told myself that no guy would be dumb enough to drive St-Calixte - Shawinigan (two hour ride) in the middle of night, and that I was half awake in between each of his text messages - three quarters of what I wrote, I didn't even remembered before going through the texts.
OH AND, I had moved. At two AM, he called me (while I was sleeping) to tell me he was there. I was panicking! Holy shit i didn't think he'd actually come YO I like S.... anyway....
We remind each other of high school memories (he was a senior while i was a freshman... he was 23 I think) and then, he kisses me. What the fuck is going on.
(and bitch where's the McDonald's?)
Anyway, I wasn't confortable but I was letting him do his shit cause I was telling myself that after that, it'd be over, but I don't understand cause he's holding me tight and hurting me, but I try not to make a huge deal out of it cause if I'm trying to get him off me, wouldn't it be worse? I don't know, I'm twenty years old and stupid and afraid cause I'm currently fucking the popular football jock from highschool.
It doesn't make any fucking sense, why am I doing this? Anyway, the next morning, he almost runs away in his toyota echo, and I tell myself shit, and he used me. All of this for that.
Do I tell S, or not?
Since apprently tact isn't part of my being, I try to explain to S since I didn't wanted to hide him, I wanted a truth based relationship.
And then, error.
It bursts. I'm just a whore, I should die, he liked me and I fucked it all up. That even if I were to kill myself, that nobody would care or cry over it.
He pushes me over the edge, I swallow some pills that were left cause the month before, I had started get rid of this medication, cymbalta, and the cold turkey was sort of hard for me. I get up and everything seems fine, but he doesn't get off my back even tho he's working. I can't deal with the pression anymore, I regret it, I cut myself, I hate myself, I really wanna die.
So I take the only thing that was in my fridge, a huge water bottle, and I swallow at least sixty pills of remaining cymbalta. If I die, he'll get off my back, right? Apparently not.
The next day, I lost almost full usage of my legs, I can't stand on them. I crawl from my bed to the bathroom to puke and shit my stomach out (didn't find a poetic way to write it) while loosing my balance, everything hurts. I can't pee anymore, my head is spinning. At first, I ask myself why and then I remember what happened the night before between agressive text messages. By the sake of minutes, my condition was deteriorating. My best friend of the time really wanted me to go to the hospital, and I truly believe to this day that if I didn't asked my parents to call the ambulance for my sickness (I'm a terrible liar), I would have probably died alone in my apartment on the side of terrible text messages on how much I was a skank. Nice, isn't it? I ain't saying that I was to blame, tbh.
Steven, I know I probably hurted you, and that I probably diserved everything you told me. But at the time, I was exhausted and unable to take it anymore.
After the ambulance tried to make me take down the stairs, they attach (yeah, i said attach) me to a hospital bed. After taking care of my physical health, they put me on the psychiatry floor. And then, I felt like I was truly turning crazy. I was getting used to listen to the news while waiting for the food and coloring. I was writing Steven love letters and excuse letters.... He had texted me shit on what I thought was my death bed until I went to the psychiatric floor and he texted me to take care of myself, so I thought everything was fine.
But I realised that it wasn't when I left the psychiatric aisle. And even when I was trying not to answer his messages, he was always coming back on track. He wanted to show me that I've hurt him a lot, and someday, he invited me. He told me it only was for having rough sex, but being innocent, I just wanted attention from him.
So I jumped into the first bus that bring me to Montreal, wanting to see him so bad. He still thinks I'm a dumbass for trying to kill myself but, while one of his hands was holding mine and the other one, his joint, walking in the streets of Tetraultville, I recognized the nice and affective guy he was. He wasn't as rough as his text messages mentionned and seeing him, at the time, made me feel better than I've felt in ages.
He cooked for me, between two joints and a smoke, it seemed like nothing happened.
I then went at my bestfriend's house (that ain't my bestfriend anymore but she was back then) where I spent an amazing day with Chanel and an amazing night with a friend, cause yes apparently for me eating poutine at 4am, it makes me happy. It's like we've known each other since forever. I also went at my aunt's, I felt like the support that people were giving me, and I am including A to the equation, was really warming my heart.
Returning back to the appartment, I paint the walls, I try to be useful while making myself feel great, I had faith that Steven would come back until he texts me to asks me how I'm doing. I have butterflies in my stomach that were rapidly killed when he told me he had a girlfriend. I broke down, and for several days.
And speaking of the football jock, he only spoke to me once after that, and he was drunk. Anyway, I didn't wanted anytthing from him, but it was nice to know he ditched football for fucking every fat chick on Tinder and Badoo.
Since I didn't had internet at home, I was going at McDonald's using their free wifi talking to A, even if I wasn't understanding why somebody who was living so far and this old (don't hit me lmao) wanted to talk to me, the whore. The trashy skank.
I was feeling used, dirty, stupid, I didn't wanted to live just like I did back in July but I didn't wanted to then again fail my attempt and that they sent me back in psychiatry, the two or three days I've spent there were enough.
Plus, I felt like I had failed trying to prove to my parents that I was aible to take care of myself on my own in my appartment.
It's
hard
being
an adult
goddamn
piece
of shit
!!!
If not, a guy from Xbox live that my ex-ex- (Joey) hated tried to match me with his best friend via Snapchat.
I don't remember how but he came to play COD Black Ops at my place.
Then, we went eating ice cream together.
I was caring so much about him, it was crazy, and I was truly seeing a love potential.
But it's when this story crashed that I realized that, no.
That even tho it made me super sad, I had something to learn from this.
That I had to stop playing tease, that my game would get back to me and that one day, somebody would leak my pictures, I don't know. I felt like my Xbox live friend betrayed me, that when he saw this was working out he wanted to tear it down. But today, I realized that this was meant to happen. Then, another Xbox live story.... I sleep with one of my Xbox live friends.
Everything would have been fine... if he wasn't in a relationship (it's hard being me).
I was starting to believe I was in a bad tv american soap that ends in a corny way.
I wasn't seeing the end of all this shit cause it didn't felt like it was going to end. Was I going to be a whore all my life just cause Felix didn't wanted me anymore?
The more I was going elsewhere to find love, the more I was realizing who I really loved.
*it looks like a crappy disney movie i'm sorry*
Hewas always there for me, making sure I was safe. Talking to him was making me so happy, I was starting to imagine myself being with him.
I was repressed all that cause I didn't wanted to ruin it. He wasn't looking for love (and still ain't) but it's overm y control that the more he talked to me, the more I was getting attached. And for that, I hated myself.
I was starting to get rough with Tinder matches that I had in my Facebook and on Snapchat, I was blocking people, refusing nudes, it seemed like instantly, I wanted to be perfect for him.
But as I said, and I still feel like it, I'm not enough. I'm not enough compared to other girl and I thought that the problem with men, him in particular that I didn't gave a fuck about, was that I was myself.
And I thought that was long as I wouldn't mold in, it wouldn't work, they wouldn't like me.
With reflection, I realized that my humour and selfies on the toilet might have, one day, sort of charmed.
I try to get him off my head, I don't wanna like him SHIT I don't even know him, almost!
But he doesn't leave my thoughts, and still haven't, I don't know what to do at this point.
My hunt for men still was going on, but I still wasn't as motivated. I even went at a Tinder match's place but I felt like I used him and his nice, kind heart. I don't know what I was trying to do. But I don't hate him, I wish we'd be friends but I feel like he doesn't really wanna talk to me anymore. Anyway.
Cause I didn't wanted the ones I was swiping, at all.
*A* Was listening me cry and laugh, was supportive and believes in me,
It felt unreal,
and it still does to this day.
Either our friendship evolves or not,
I'm incredibly lucky.
My desire for him doesn't stop to grow,
and I feel like I can't control it.
I like to think that if it's meant to be, it will.
That he just didn't came into my life at the right time, and vice versa.
But hey, with all that happened,
(and everything that will, probably, happen)
I know I have to trust life,
and let time do its work.
I came a long way, thank you Felix.
Not only by leaving me but also your support,
I might have not made it this far.
There's still a way to go,
But I've done a lot.
Because I probably would still be watching the news.
At my parent's place.
Doing nothing.
And I know that everything that will follow in 2018 will be the right thing for me,
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
and you made me very strong.
In the end, caca, choune, or whatever I like to call you, we will always love each other, just another way, I guess.
Because we get along, because we are happy on our own, because in my heart, these last years with your will always be remembered.
SHANIA BONUS: I hope our relationship (me and A) evolves but eh, I feel like I just can't rush things.
On this topic, here's some 2018 pictures of me.
